Recently I've been reflecting on the dark side of dating & relationships. I'm trying to understand the root of the unhealthy elements of these relationships that I see in my practice. What's alarming to me is the normalization of these toxic behaviours. Certainly, they are a reflection of the greater picture, with Ontario having declared intimate partner violence as an epidemic with a rise in deaths. So, what gives?
I belong to the notorious Gen X: the garden-hose hydrators, the dawn to dusk street roamers, yada yada yada. But here's what stands out to me from my adolescence, notably in comparison to my Gens Z & Alpha clients:
The phone was attached to the kitchen wall, and privacy meant sitting under the kitchen table or going as far as the phone cord would extend, into another room. Lengthy break-up letters that sang your praises and insisted you deserved better, your friendship was valued, you weren't the problem. Or sitting in parked cars for hours and powering through emotions together, even with a break-up in progress. Arguments that ended with a hang-up, door slam, or dramatic walk-away. Not knowing where your friends & boyfriend were at all times, unless they were with you. There was no instant anything; we tolerated the emotions & the unknown, in both healthy and unhealthy ways. Good times. Okay, different times. By no means am I saying we were healthier teens, but there are definitely shifts that have come with time & tech.
Our tech-savvy teens and young adults are dating in a very different world. But no matter what generation you belong too, the items in my Top 10 List are absolute no-no's, bewares, and, run while you cans. In no particular order, because all of them deserve serious attention here:
Only your parents and your Uber driver need your location. No good has ever come from checking each other's locations. It doesn't matter where they are; what matters is why you think you're entitled to know.
If your hurt feelings are met with the phrase, "I was just joking", um no, no they weren't. That's a form of gaslighting. They've just shown you they will avoid the discomfort of accountability at all cost, including your wellbeing.
If you have a gut feeling, pay attention! The nervous system puts in a lot of work to collect info, process it, then send you a warning. You don't even need to understand it 100%. Trust it. It's responsible for survival of the human race.
Do they sound like they think they're your personal stylist? Whether they've got an aversion to crop tops or they think you'd look better in blah, blah, blah, shut that sh%t down.
"What's your number?" Save this conversation for your closest friends. No good can come from answering or asking this: your answer will be judged, it does not build your closeness, and when the relationship ends, they walk away with this very personal piece of info.
Dating someone or "talking to someone" does not give them the right to manage who you're friends with, who you chat with, who is on your socials, or who you hang around. Even the randoms they tell you to remove from Insta will probably be around longer than them.
All the reassurance in the world will not fix their trust issues. I'm all for talking about mental health with friends & partners. But starting off any relationship with the phrase, "I have trust issues" should be a giant warning sign. You are not responsible for managing their emotions and that includes their worries and fears. It may seem flattering that they chose to be in a relationship with you despite their deep wounds. But they intend to hold you responsible for repairing their broken trust rather than taking accountability and doing their own work. Empathize if you'd like. Then consider responding, "that sounds like a YOU issue."
Threats of suicide are above your paygrade. Whether it's said in the heat of an argument or comes in response to a break-up, you're not equipped to assess their risk. Tell them you care too much about them NOT to talk to someone else who can help.
Arguments over text. I won't lie, we'll print these out, go through them, and highlight all the gaslighty parts. It'll be a valuable therapy exercise. But let's face it, you're better off sitting face to face for these convos. If they prefer to text about these very important things, ask whether they are avoiding discomfort or really suck at communication.
Passing judgement on what you will or will not do, have or have not done sexually. Dude, no. That's hella wrong. They're trippin'. Like to the max.*
*A little ride on the Gen X Express, ha ha.
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